Cat Bidet Magazine

GOP Twitterside Chat: Mitt Romeny

The presidential race is of imminent importance to us here at CBM. If the wrong person gets elected, bidets could get into the wrong, um, hands. Paws? Whatever. Look, this is important. As the Michigan and Arizona primaries were unfolding, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romeny recently sharted his thoughts on Twitter and graciously permitted us to reprint it all here. Enjoy!

27 Feb

STARTING MS-DOS…

HIMEM is testing extended memory…done.

C:\campaignplan.exe

C:>_

…

… …

… … …

HELLO AMERICA!

Tonight, we celebrate. Tomorrow, we go back to work.

28 Feb

Not ready reading drive A

Abort, Retry, Fail?

R

…

… …

AND WE ARE BACK. GOSH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TOWN.

29 Feb

Thank you, Livonia, a town in Michgan, that was essential in our victory!

Thank you, Detroit suburbs! They were were very essential in yesterday’s victory!

Traverse City, you are a city in Michigan! Many of you supported us. That’s something

Thank you, Arizona! I’m literally weeping my eyes out because of your support. Very moving.

Next up, Ohio! We are all Buckeyes especially since 9/11.

The best thing about Ohio is that all of its best cities start with ‘C’. Just kidding, Toledo! Dayton is ok.

Pres. Obama, do you hear that knocking? That’s America, and it wants to borrow some sugar. We can’t keep borrowing forever.

It reminds me of an old patriotic tu-NOT READY READING DRIVE C

Abort, Retry, Fail?

R

…

… …

WHAT THE FOOEY PEOPLE COME ON NOW

Er… yes.

See what this President doesn’t get is that America is about rewarding success. Not loyalty points.

And politics isn’t about who rewards more frequent flyer miles.

It’s about a low annual fee and a killer APR.

The USA is about having your favorite sports teams on your credit card— like the Bengals, Indians, and Cavaliers.

Some people think it’s OK to a-=pewf90342523-@@$%(o(!@??>kp{f

DARN IT TAGG. GET THIS THING FIXED NOW.

Tagg, maybe you should ask Craig to look at it.

Craig is better than you, Tagg, with computers, I think.

You didn’t want the Tandy computer, Tagg. You wanted the dirt bike.

I can’t get enough of Angry Birds, a video game on my phone. What sort of mobile phone apps are you using, Ohio/other states?

Today I would also like to acknowledge #davyjones and also the #leapyear. Two great American traditions that go great together.

BASIL THE SEA LION TO SHAKIRA: “I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GONNA GET YOU, YOU BLACKBERRY CARRYING SKANK.”

THE CBM EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

CBM: How are you holding up with all the media attention?

Basil: I keep a low profile. But in the community I’m seen as a hero now.

CBM: When we called you originally said you didn’t want to do the interview.

Basil: Lies about me on Myspace.

CBM: OK. How about we set the record straight?

Basil: Sure. I was kicking it, keeping it cool as coolers, trying to get with this girl, when I see this idiot roll up on my girl with a camera. As I swim over I see this bleach blond skank grab her and I kinda lost it.

CBM: Were any words exchanged?

Basil: I said “Step off bitch!”

CBM: That’s it?

Basil: I may have said it twice. Then she held her Blackberry in my face and I went all George Harrison on her.

CBM: You know she said she is not going to press charges. She says you assaulted her—

Basil: I assaulted shit! I want her to press charges, put me in the same room with her, see what happens. I got one thing to say to Shakira.

CBM: What’s that?

Basil: I swear to God I’m gonna get you you Blackberry-carrying skank.

CBM: Sea Lions believe in God now?

Basil: It’s an expression.

CBM: How’d you get the name Cecil?

Basil: It’s Basil.

CBM: Whatever. Your name is gay.

Basil: Your whole magazine is gay.

CBM: Nah, I’m just playin’. Thanks for stopping by, Cecil.

Cecil: Fuck you.

Note from the President, Urologist

INTERNAL MEMO TO STAFF, CAT BIDET HEADQUARTERS, CAT BIDET-TON, OHIO

In keeping with the tradition set up by Jesus and passed down like hemophilia—wait, doesn’t hemophilia literally mean love of blood? Fuck. This changes everything. Jesus was a vampire previous to his career as a prophet. I find myself in love with the world. You know the rest. Where was I? Oh yes. February is coming to a close. Those Valentine’s Day first dates have already had their first “VD test” (argument—what did you think I meant?), the groundhog is out of the spotlight and free to start up his meth lab again, etc., etc.

Aside: A wise man once told me that wolverines are the assholes of the animal kingdom, that a wolverine would piss on your hamburger just to laugh at you while you unknowingly bite into it. I have decided that groundhogs are the tweakers of the animal kingdom. Fat, disgusting little creatures who live in cramped hovels in shitty suburbs all around the country. They don’t fucking work. They “live off the land” and “live in harmony with nature.” Bull shit. Fucking tweakers. Whole families of them.

As February comes to a close, so does our first issue. As part of the CBM staff, this is your last chance to get something into our first issue, and I urge you to do so. CBM #1 “Cat Bidetlight Savings Time” has shown us that anything goes, frequently goes too far, calls from San Diego after his “tryst” with a “sailor” went “south,” and is implicated in several interstate crimes, including grand larceny cat bidet, sexual assault with a bidet, and Mel Gibson. For inspiration, take a look at CBQuotables(tm) and ANIMALS #3. There’s fresh and then there’s bidet fresh. Have a great day.

—MCRR AS ZEUS, KATIE COURIC AS DANAE, TRUCKSTOP BATHROOM AS ITSELF

ANIMALS WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN #3

CBQuotables#1: “Hong Kong Mississippi”

Welcome to CBQuotables (tm)… where we highlight the best quotes on the cat bidet lifestyle… by some of today’s biggest stars…

“Don’t be one of these guys who keeps the cat bidet in the basement. Either put a spotlight on it or live in the dark with the rest of the fools.”

—Steve Jobs

“The thing about Latin America that most people will never understand is that what you call ‘magical realism’ we call ‘real life.’ And what you call ‘Cat Bidet’ we call ‘culo ducha del gato.’”