Pisces (Feb 29 - April 16): Today’s safe word is “sever”.
Scorpio: Suck a dick, Scorpio.
Aquinas: You fat.
Turbo-Cancer: I LOVE PUPPIES WATCHING ME FROM A BASKET. I LOVE THEM BECAUSE OF THE BUSINESS MODEL GENERATED LOOSELY AROUND THIS CONCEPT. MICROSCOPES? YEP. AND I LIKE YOU. I LIKE THIS. THIS WHOLE VIBE WE GOT. RIDE IT. RIDE THE WAVE. GLAD WE HAD THIS LITTLE CHAT.
Ravioli: Good news. IT’S ASS-LICKING SEASON.
—Sir Robert Motherfucker
Horoscope: February (UPDATE)
It has been brought to our attention that earlier this month we neglected to include all of the Zodiac signs in our horoscope. The CBM staff wishes to apologize for this error. The omitted sign(s) is/are below.
Sapphicus (May 29): You little fucker.
Sagittarius: Stay on your toes today, because at some point YOU WILL BLAZE BRIGHT RED, EMITTING A BLINDING HEAT THAT WILL IMMOLATE ALL YOUR LOVED ONES THEN YOU WILL GET IN A COP CAR AND TURN THE RADIO UP ALL THE WAY AND THEN YOU WILL PUNCH SOME PEOPLE ON THE STREET AFTERWARDS GO DOWN TO A BASEMENT AND LOOK FOR GOOD POSTERS.
Pisces (Feb 29 - April 16): Because Mercury is in retrograde, expect everyone to treat you exactly the same as they normally do, except that deep inside they know what you did and they all hate you and are going to tell the school about what happened last Wednesday morning. CARRY YOUR TRASH WITH YOU TODAY.
Leo (December 28 - March 17): Look forward to a few bumpy days as Mars spins itself into a throwing star and then climbs inside your left crisper where you keep the yellow onions. DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES.
Tauritarius (Feb 3 - Feb 29): Joan Rivers, Pad Thai, breast pumps, etc…
DiCaprio: (8 AM - 4 PM M-W): You will get mad stoned with your friends and watch The Matrix. Eventually you will realize that you’re actually watching Inception and that IT’S SALVIA TUESDAY!
Virgo (Extra): Later this week you will accidentally invent a new music genre that will eventually be known as “Sci-Fi R&B”. You will also get a reach around from one of the original members of the Monkees. IT’S A BIG WEEK FOR YOU!
-Sir Robert Motherfucker