Cat Bidet Magazine
Restaurant Reviews (without Yelp’s Bigotry and Fear)
Dear Cat Bidet:
Due to bigotry and fear Yelp! is no longer accepting my reviews. Will you publish these?  I can guarantee 18%.
Lugo Caffe
2 Stars
This place has very nice ambiance, BUT NO KLINGON MENU. Closest they have is some octopus, which isn’t even MOVING. Nice wine list. +1 star for nice bathroom BUT ONLY TWO GENDERS?
Bombay House
1 Star
You would think a decent restaurant in NYC would at least TRY to cater to people with a taste for KLINGON CUISINE BUT NO. Come on, dog.  Throw me a bone. Apps were fine and came quickly. Chicken Korma is OK but HOW ABOUT SOME GAGH?! AM I RIGHT? -1 Star for disgusting bathroom. I pooped in their sink.
Amerigo West
3 Stars
This would be 5 stars, but WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT NO KLINGON FOOD. I went in there completely humming on the canadian nose candy and whip-its and tequilas tho so maybe I just ordered wrong.  Wheelchair access is nice and well thought out. 
Pooped in the sink.
TGI Fridays (Broadway and Exchange)
5 Stars
FINALLY SOME AUTHENTIC KLINGON FOOD. Waiters will act all coy and pretend they don’t know what you’re ordering but the secret menu is legit. Had to hide in a stall until 4:35 AM EST to access level-ups. They found me at 10:30 AM EST NEXT DAY, DOG. We all agreed to contact the POLICE.  You can’t be too careful.

Tried to poop in the sink, wasn’t feeling it though.

THANK YOU CAT BIDET WEEKLY FOR YOUR CONTINUED LEGAL AND ETHICAL SUPPORT OF MY CASE. MLK once said “Huch ‘ar DaneH?” which means of course “How much money is that?” in Klingon. I hAVE a learning disability and 34 collectibles from star trek, hobbit, transformers, etc. I am on IRC.
 
DO NOT PUBLISH THIS.
 
Thank you,,
Mr. Roberto Moliere-Stucker
Microsoft Exchange Error -528: JET_errMissingLogFile

IT OCCURS TO ME THAT WE PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE POSTING INTERNAL EMAILS DIRECT TO THE SITE. 

I OPENED A TICKET W THE EXCHANGE ADMINS TO SEE WHY THIS KEEPS HAPPENING.

PS DO NOT FORWARD ANY MORE OF MY “ETHNIC” LIST JOKES UNTIL THE TICKET CLOSES OUT. COULD BE BLOW BLACK. LOL. I MEANT BACK.

PPS - DERRICK U KNOW I LUV YA BROTHA

—SIR ROBERT MOTHERFUCKER

POST SXSW STATUS

ATTN: EDITORIAL STAFF

I’M SORRY, BUT THE SITE LOOK FUCKING TERRIBLE. 3.5 YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT, $850K + BUDGET, TOP SHELF ACCOUNT TEAM AND IT LOOKS LIKE A JOKE. I TRIED BRINGING THIS UP AT THE MEETING LAST WEEK AND EVERYONE GAVE ME THIS LOOK LIKE “DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS GUY WHY IS HE HERE” AND THEN I HAD TO GET ON THE CON CALL WITH TIPPER AND RAJESH AND WE COULDN’T FINISH UP.

FOLLOW-UPS FOR THE TEAM:

1) CATBIDET.COM SUBSCRIBERS PEAKED IN JUNE AND HAVE DIPPED SINCE THEN, DESPITE VIRTUALLY NO OTHER COMPETITIVE SITE IN THIS THINKSPACE. DELUXE MEMBERSHIPS IN THE LOW FIVE FIGURES. PREMIUM DELUXE LITERALLY = 0 (ARE WE STILL SPLITTING OUT PREMIUM/PREMIUM DELUXE? MAYBE I MISSED THAT?)

2) DIGITAL METRICS FOR THE INDUSTRY AT LARGE POINT TO INCREASED INTEREST ACROSS ALL TARGETED DEMOS (LATIN TEENS, FLOOR HOCKEY UNCLES, TWATS, ETC YOU ALREADY KNOW THESE FROM THE MCKINSEY DOC FROM 12/17/2012).

3) FLOYD, DESPITE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF EMAIL REQUESTS WILL NOT CHANGE THE BANNER FONT AS REQUESTED. WE ALL AGREED ON SOME KIND OF SERIF AND YET HERE WE ARE, MONTHS IN AND IT’S ABSOLUTELY DESTROYING OUR PAGE HITS (SERIF FONT = RELIABLE, STABLE SOURCE FOR ANIMAL SITES NOT SOMETHING OFF-BRAND OR CREEPY/ALT). PLEASE IF YOU SEE HIM MOVE THIS UP HIS LIST IT IS LITERALLY KILLING US.

4) THE SXSW BOOTH WAS A DISASTER. WORSE THAN 9/11. BIDET WAS NON-FUNCTIONING AND CAT MODELS WERE NOT HYPO-ALLERGENIC. $60K BLOWN.

IF WE NEED TO SPIN MORE CYCLES ON DEV, FINE. BANGALORE AND ESTONIA WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN WE JUST NEED TO TELL THEM NOW, NOT IN THREE WEEKS. 3RD ROUND OF VC DRIES UP AND IT’S GOING TO BE ANGELBASTER.NET ALL OVER AGAIN.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO YOUR JOB.


—Sir Robert Motherfucker

This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments and wash your stankin’ hands. Please be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited. —Chris Martin, Coldplay 4 CAT BIDET

This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments and wash your stankin’ hands. Please be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited. —Chris Martin, Coldplay 4 CAT BIDET

DID U FIND THIS 1 YET?it’s not very good.

DID U FIND THIS 1 YET?

it’s not very good.

Tech Tips: Playing Music Automatically in Email
LOLzButt93: My question is about playing music automatically in an email? Is there any way to do it?
LOLzButt93: I know, it's a terrible idea. This is for a client. Please tell me no.
MCRR: This is easy, and surprisingly low tech. First you take a dump into a paper bag. It has to be paper. Then you set it on fire, wait until it's burning pretty good, and then smash your customer's face directly into it, repeatedly. For as long as the bag stays lit, everyone in the world (except your customer, see note) will hear the exact sound the customer wants played. What's great is that email is not even required for this to work.
MCRR: Note that it is in fact physically possible for the customer to hear the sound during the process, and biometric/brain imaging tests have confirmed that the sound is received in the customers brain. However, we run up against the effective limits of the brain's multitasking, and the sound data is crowded out by the wealth of other rich sensory data being processed at a high rate by the customer.
LOLzButt93: OK, so i use flash for this?
MCRR: No, use Excel.
LOLzButt93: OK. Howe do i get to that from frontpage??
LOLzButt93: really not getting the help i need here guys.
MCRR: OK. Here are the instructions for your customer for how to use FrontPage to create and send this email:
MCRR: Open up FrontPage. Take out an Adobe AfterEffects install DVD but DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR COMPUTER. Hold the Adobe DVD to your forehead while you jump out the window. The email will go out using FrontPage's "Mail Merge" feature, formatted exactly as you described it in the RFP, just before you reach the ground.
LOLzButt93: cool thanks. trying this now. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!
Ol' Dirty Woman: TURBOGRAFX16
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Hey! Did you know Cat Bidet Magazine is now the go-to source for financial data? Our proprietary database, YellowGold™ lets you search for information no one else can. No one.

Stay connected.
Stay inside.
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Please READ

Important:

imageDUE TO A SCHEDULING CONFLICT “SALMAN RUSHDIE TEQUILA SHOOTER SATURDAYS HAS BEEN INDEFINITELY POSTPONED.”

Please update your course materials and class-related web sites to reflect this change.

—Sir Robert Motherfucker

Horoscope: May

Pisces (Feb 29 - April 16): Today’s safe word is “sever”.

Scorpio: Suck a dick, Scorpio.

Aquinas: You fat.

Turbo-Cancer: I LOVE PUPPIES WATCHING ME FROM A BASKET. I LOVE THEM BECAUSE OF THE BUSINESS MODEL GENERATED LOOSELY AROUND THIS CONCEPT. MICROSCOPES? YEP. AND I LIKE YOU. I LIKE THIS. THIS WHOLE VIBE WE GOT. RIDE IT. RIDE THE WAVE. GLAD WE HAD THIS LITTLE CHAT.

Ravioli: Good news. IT’S ASS-LICKING SEASON.

—Sir Robert Motherfucker

CBQuotables#1: “Hong Kong Mississippi”

Welcome to CBQuotables (tm)… where we highlight the best quotes on the cat bidet lifestyle… by some of today’s biggest stars…


"Don’t be one of these guys who keeps the cat bidet in the basement. Either put a spotlight on it or live in the dark with the rest of the fools."
Steve Jobs--wait, what?Steve Jobs

"The thing about Latin America that most people will never understand is that what you call ‘magical realism’ we call ‘real life.’ And what you call ‘Cat Bidet’ we call ‘culo ducha del gato.’"
Archangel Gabriel Garcia MarquezGabriel García Márquez

"Cat Bidets always been around, and they always gonna be around. You look a sane cat in the eye and tell me he don’t want a clean asshole."
Cameron Diaz, Sr.Cameron Diaz Sr.